You and I

It's funny how the pain fades from time to time, and all I remember is your smile, your smell, and your embrace. I remember your laughter. I remember the sun shining on your face, and the way your hands have guided mine. It's strange how the mind selectively seeks the happier memories and pines for their return. I wish for the days when we were happier, days when all we wish was to be with each other; I wish for them so much that it hurts. I miss the familiarity of having you by my side, how you have always found me in a crowded train, in a crowded street and given me a sense of direction when I was lost. I miss having you to share my surroundings, how nowhere can become somewhere as long as you are there. I miss us ambling under sunny, rainy or starry skies. I miss our crazy bantering, our laughter, and most of all, I miss the lightness of heart that used to pervade our times together.

There are so many memories running through my mind. Beautiful memories of the times when you and I were treading the path as one, sharing dreams, looking forward to a common future, striving hard for a solid foundation upon which the both of us could safely settle. Yet there was also sadness prevailing in the undercurrents of our times together. Sadness that stems from our inability to trust and believe in each other during our difficult times. We shared our joy and laughter, but neglected to be each other's support during our down times. We have given each other our hearts, but haven't taken good care of it. Where we should have offered encouragement and support, we wavered; where we should have forgiven, we became embittered; where we should have repented and relented; we stubbornly defended our pride. Couplehood requires sharing both ups and downs. We failed miserably where it comes to the latter.

How did the bitterness come to overtake your senses? How did I become the embodiment of negativity for you? How did you come to forsake all the good I've ever done?
You, who have never really known me, and I, who could only say I've tried. How could we have deeply loved, and yet cast so much pain, upon each other?

I have loved you, and I still do. Despite it all, what kept me going back to you all those while was my belief in you. I have believed in your willingness to change, in your inherent goodness, in the beauty in your soul. That's why it hurts, it really hurts, to finally find out that you haven't at all believed in mine.

The days ahead seem dismal and incomplete. Travel brochures, christmas carols in the streets, everything, reminds me of our unfurnished plans. Is it the same for you? Why I do feel that you're probably enjoying your times without me now? What should I do... I really don't know.

I need the courage to move on from this hurt. I need to remember that life can get better. I have lived life happily before you came, and I can do it again. My heart is mine to protect.

Clear skies ahead

What a pleasant surprise to return to this sanctuary and see comments from Miss Ruler herself! Thanks ruler :)

I feel better today than I have in a long long while. Stronger, perhaps, enlivened, and lightened. Not enlightened yet, though I hope that day will come.

I have to say that one week ago, if someone had thrusted a microphone into my face and asked me to rate life on a scale of 1, stygian, to 10, heavenly, I would have flung that offending black stick away from me and stuck it up his or her nose. I was kind of stressed out. To sum it up in a very apt description, just imagine me getting my toes tread in a very unceremonious manner. Not just that, wincing from the pain, I had to juggle ten bowling balls on my left hand, while contending with dissonant music grating on my ears.

Unsurprisingly, I was getting overly sensitized to all the trivalities that intersperse my days. I would have sued the first person who brushed past me for assault if there was such a law. Bestial. Definitely me. My conversations with people were littered with complaints that couldn't make me feel any better.

Just when I thought I was going to sink under the weight of all these crap, little phrases I used to read came creeping into my mind. "Circle of influence" is one of them. These three words were my buoy, keeping me afloat so I could see the clear sky above. "You idiot la, you can choose where to look, you know," it spoke to me in singlish. And it was true! A very wonderful book I couldn't finish reading once told me that I can choose who and what I want to affect me. I definitely will not have those toe-crushers in my circle of influence. Getting your toes crushed once is bad enough. Repetitive reminiscence of that terrible ordeal is just too harsh on the soul.

I struggled to push the mind into a state of revelation. There were tears, attributed mainly to my overactive tear glands and my overactive emotional cache. There were still complaints, though of a more cathartic nature, as I purged my inner frustrations till the calm in me was restored. The trick to surviving through it all was actually simple. Just grit your teeth and go through it. Don't attach any negative emotions to the adversities . Most of time, what lingers longer in our minds are the negative emotions we attach to a particular event, more so than the actual event itself.

I knew I triumped, when I managed to face sarcasm and criticism with serenity. Kudos to those people who have helped lessen the severity of the situation by helping me morph it into a joke. I felt released, that I managed to smile at the person who had been shooting daggers at others while pointing a gun at me. It was like saying "Shoot me! I'm innocent!" to her in the face, while I have fun watching her face contort in confusion. Ah. Life is good.

Even if the skies are overcast, even if it rains, try remembering that a clear blue sky, or clear midnight sky littered with stars, lies above the clouds. You can't decide what happens to you. But you can decide to be the hero, or the victim, of your story.

rainy October

It was raining just now, a slight drizzle, to be exact. Gloomy skies, clouds rolling in from afar, it feels like the weather forecast of my life. So, is it back to rainy season and unpredictable weather for me? I went to work. Saw a colleague and we had our normal day to day background conversation. Hello. Hello. You are alone here? Not alone now that you've reached. Ha Ha. Ha Ha. He did his stuff. I did mine. Nothing significant done; just average monotony. I messaged someone online. No reply. Left work. Took the lift down and signed my exit. The security guard looked bored but I didn't say goodbye.

I stepped out of the building and beheld the change in the skies. The sun is shining its rays on everything in sight. I walked, and took the more scenic route out of my office area. Something came to mind. I remembered what someone once told me in gleeful tones, something about how the sun will always shine when he is around. Instinctively, I looked around. I saw no familar smile.

I took the train back and went into the mall aimlessly. There were people everywhere. I walked past a shop that sells rings, past the shop that my cousin used to work in, past a shop selling shoes. I walked behind a couple holding hands. It didn't feel good. I didn't know what to do. So I took a bus to the shops near my house, bought some junk food, and went home.

I switched on the computer. A message blinked at me from the screen. I gasped. I smiled.

Moments

We do not remember days; we remember moments -- Cesare Pavese.
This is the phrase written on my October calender in office, and everytime I look at it, I get reminded of the moments that are too deeply etched in my mind. Happy moments, sad moments, crazy moments.

I miss those crazy moments the most. Those are the times when everything seems funny and life feels like one big comedy show. At the end of the day, everyone laughs and claps and goes home knowing that everything will be fine. Those times belong to the person in me who loves to crap. I miss her; I truly do. She still visits me from time to time. But her visits are getting rarer, her appearances more transient. Life just doesn't feel that funny anymore.

Sad moments -- top on my list these two years. I'm trying to break the trend. I'm trying to get that crazy crapper back. But where is she? Where has she gone? It feels like this path I'm treading is laden with disappointments. I'm seeking my path in the wrong forest and I'm lost. Dear heavens, lend me a hand here, will you? I pray for the strength to start anew.

I was quite sad yesterday. I still am, actually. It was a special day to me. I was hoping for special moments with a special someone.. but they didn't come. Even that something special that someone special gave me almost a year ago didn't seem that special to him afterall. I feel... unspecial. I feel silly for wishing to be special, at least to one person, when I'm not. Suddenly I feel quite quite alone. Oh well. I was going to show Mr Special-who-doesn't-think-I'm-special this entry but there, he has gone offline without a trace. I shall show him when he gets back.

Currently looping the Korean song, "Da Ga Ga Go Ship Uh" by Kim Jung Eun. Beautiful beautiful song... Looking at the vineyard in the MV makes me feel like residing in some countryside for a long long while. I want to be rid of my city troubles, even if it's just for a while. I shall do something about that.

Living

YT said to me, "a lot of us live like we are immortal, like we have all the time in the world to do whatever we wish to do, but no one knows what is going to happen tomorrow." I see no fault in that, except that she was spending so much time in her coaching programs that she has to function on only a few hours of sleep every day. So I questioned her, "What about your health? Won't adequate rest allow you to walk longer distances?" She answered, "currently I sacrifice my rest and get to do so much more within a short peroid of time... if I had spent the time resting, watching tv and sleeping at home, wouldn't I take a prolonged peroid of time to accumulate the current amount of experiences I've gathered?"


I can't say she's wrong. Indeed, from time to time, I fall into the trap of taking life for granted, postponing a certain event I need to do to the unforeseenable future, out of laziness, indecisiveness, and uncertainty about what I want. Who knows what is going to happen in the future? All we have is this moment called now. What I am going to do this very moment is going to have a ripple effect on the next moment called my future. The best way to live is to cherish each moment we have and do our best to live, to fulfil our roles, our responsibilities to both others and to ourselves. And this is where I reach the end of my shared consensus with hers. I don't feel that she is giving herself adequate rest. She is pushing her body to her limits, more and more, to achieve those experiences that she feel will help her grow. This body is her vessel for learning in this life, and possibly the only true asset that is hers to own. What happens when she overworks it? How long can she continue to sacrifice the needs of her body for her wants?

I didn't use to worry about my health. Who cares if I'm eating too much chocolate? I'm satisfied this moment and that's all there is to it. Who cares if my posture is bad? I am happy the way I am. Who cares if I skip a few meals? I'm young and nothing has yet happened to me. Who cares if I miss a few nights of sleep? I can always catch up on my sleep later when there is still time. Nothing has yet happened to me. There is still time. How right was I about that?



These two years, many things have happened to me. Perhaps it's all the health ordeals I've gone through that have awaken me to how much I've been taking my health for granted.

I had gone temporarily and partially blind in one eye in two separate occassions. Each time I had to force myself to stay calm and wait to regain my sight. I can't explain how terrifying it is to wait; it's stark naked fear taunting me with 'what-if's. What if I can never see again? How have I taken my sight for granted?

I've had really uncomfortable gastrointestinal troubles that rendered me short of breath and nauseaus. It made me feel so ill within that I couldn't enjoy any food placed in front of me, nor actively participate in anything that was around me. I kept losing weight, to the extend that I can't meet anyone familiar without them telling me how thin I look. I feel helpless. My body doesn't have the capacity to take in the food it needs. I wonder if I was just wasting away?

I almost blacked out on a train once. I watched as everything around me dissolved into black shiny dots, and panicked when I felt diffculty in catching each breath. It was through sheer will power that I walked myself out of the train, cold and blinded, to where I think the nearest seat was. I rested till I felt better, and took the next train home. For the next few weeks I couldn't take the train without fearing a second attack.

I had panic attacks. Heart thumping, breathless, and plain blatant fear that each breath I caught was going to be my last. It's a plague on the mind, when everything around me seems hopeless and gone.

I have knee problems that killed my joy in running. I have chest pain that caused me much worries as to whether it a problem with the heart. What is going to happen to me?

Too many things have happened that made me realise what a blessing it is to be able to see, to breathe easily, to walk, run, exercise, without any health disturbances to limit the activities I can accomplish in life. The most important lesson I've learnt is to take good care of what I have been blessed with. Be thankful for them. Neglect and nonchalance can very well lead to regrets in later life.

I am trying to take care of myself the best way I know how, both mentally and physically. I needed to write this post to clear my internal thoughts, so here I am typing. I guess the main thing now is not to look back at the past but to think how and where I can go from there. It's never too late to start anew. I believe it's true.

Still in Love with Writing

Apart from occasional star appearances in my windows live space, I believe it's safe to say that I've disappeared from the blogging world for almost two years. The more I don't write, the rustier those writing genes in my brain becomes, and the more detached I am from the word bank in my head. I need it back, badly. It is an inherent part of me I've lost, and getting it back, perhaps, would bring me closer to getting me back.

I miss writing. It used to be an outlet for all the rantings I have about life. Somehow, things don't seem all too bad the moment I type them out on the screen and analyse them as words. Writing has always been my valuable aide to living. These past two years without it could only be summarised in one word: bad.

But I'm not going to rant about the past now. Let them be, and let me step forth from here. I need to be cleansed of the internal negativity that I've been too immersed in. I need to be able to enjoy the little things in life with greater stability within me. So, I'm going to change myself this very moment.

These are several things on my to do list:
1) I will blog again.
2) I will volunteer again.
3) I will release negative thoughts when they enter my head and replace them with good ones.
4) If I can't release them, I will blog them out like what I've done in the past, and see the bright side out of them.
5) I will look for solutions in every problem that arises. I will be part of the solution, and not part of the problem.
6) I will look at all the things that happened to me in a more positive light.
7) I choose to be happy.

I've started no. 1. Sure feels good to be back!