rainy October

It was raining just now, a slight drizzle, to be exact. Gloomy skies, clouds rolling in from afar, it feels like the weather forecast of my life. So, is it back to rainy season and unpredictable weather for me? I went to work. Saw a colleague and we had our normal day to day background conversation. Hello. Hello. You are alone here? Not alone now that you've reached. Ha Ha. Ha Ha. He did his stuff. I did mine. Nothing significant done; just average monotony. I messaged someone online. No reply. Left work. Took the lift down and signed my exit. The security guard looked bored but I didn't say goodbye.

I stepped out of the building and beheld the change in the skies. The sun is shining its rays on everything in sight. I walked, and took the more scenic route out of my office area. Something came to mind. I remembered what someone once told me in gleeful tones, something about how the sun will always shine when he is around. Instinctively, I looked around. I saw no familar smile.

I took the train back and went into the mall aimlessly. There were people everywhere. I walked past a shop that sells rings, past the shop that my cousin used to work in, past a shop selling shoes. I walked behind a couple holding hands. It didn't feel good. I didn't know what to do. So I took a bus to the shops near my house, bought some junk food, and went home.

I switched on the computer. A message blinked at me from the screen. I gasped. I smiled.

Moments

We do not remember days; we remember moments -- Cesare Pavese.
This is the phrase written on my October calender in office, and everytime I look at it, I get reminded of the moments that are too deeply etched in my mind. Happy moments, sad moments, crazy moments.

I miss those crazy moments the most. Those are the times when everything seems funny and life feels like one big comedy show. At the end of the day, everyone laughs and claps and goes home knowing that everything will be fine. Those times belong to the person in me who loves to crap. I miss her; I truly do. She still visits me from time to time. But her visits are getting rarer, her appearances more transient. Life just doesn't feel that funny anymore.

Sad moments -- top on my list these two years. I'm trying to break the trend. I'm trying to get that crazy crapper back. But where is she? Where has she gone? It feels like this path I'm treading is laden with disappointments. I'm seeking my path in the wrong forest and I'm lost. Dear heavens, lend me a hand here, will you? I pray for the strength to start anew.

I was quite sad yesterday. I still am, actually. It was a special day to me. I was hoping for special moments with a special someone.. but they didn't come. Even that something special that someone special gave me almost a year ago didn't seem that special to him afterall. I feel... unspecial. I feel silly for wishing to be special, at least to one person, when I'm not. Suddenly I feel quite quite alone. Oh well. I was going to show Mr Special-who-doesn't-think-I'm-special this entry but there, he has gone offline without a trace. I shall show him when he gets back.

Currently looping the Korean song, "Da Ga Ga Go Ship Uh" by Kim Jung Eun. Beautiful beautiful song... Looking at the vineyard in the MV makes me feel like residing in some countryside for a long long while. I want to be rid of my city troubles, even if it's just for a while. I shall do something about that.