Living

YT said to me, "a lot of us live like we are immortal, like we have all the time in the world to do whatever we wish to do, but no one knows what is going to happen tomorrow." I see no fault in that, except that she was spending so much time in her coaching programs that she has to function on only a few hours of sleep every day. So I questioned her, "What about your health? Won't adequate rest allow you to walk longer distances?" She answered, "currently I sacrifice my rest and get to do so much more within a short peroid of time... if I had spent the time resting, watching tv and sleeping at home, wouldn't I take a prolonged peroid of time to accumulate the current amount of experiences I've gathered?"


I can't say she's wrong. Indeed, from time to time, I fall into the trap of taking life for granted, postponing a certain event I need to do to the unforeseenable future, out of laziness, indecisiveness, and uncertainty about what I want. Who knows what is going to happen in the future? All we have is this moment called now. What I am going to do this very moment is going to have a ripple effect on the next moment called my future. The best way to live is to cherish each moment we have and do our best to live, to fulfil our roles, our responsibilities to both others and to ourselves. And this is where I reach the end of my shared consensus with hers. I don't feel that she is giving herself adequate rest. She is pushing her body to her limits, more and more, to achieve those experiences that she feel will help her grow. This body is her vessel for learning in this life, and possibly the only true asset that is hers to own. What happens when she overworks it? How long can she continue to sacrifice the needs of her body for her wants?

I didn't use to worry about my health. Who cares if I'm eating too much chocolate? I'm satisfied this moment and that's all there is to it. Who cares if my posture is bad? I am happy the way I am. Who cares if I skip a few meals? I'm young and nothing has yet happened to me. Who cares if I miss a few nights of sleep? I can always catch up on my sleep later when there is still time. Nothing has yet happened to me. There is still time. How right was I about that?



These two years, many things have happened to me. Perhaps it's all the health ordeals I've gone through that have awaken me to how much I've been taking my health for granted.

I had gone temporarily and partially blind in one eye in two separate occassions. Each time I had to force myself to stay calm and wait to regain my sight. I can't explain how terrifying it is to wait; it's stark naked fear taunting me with 'what-if's. What if I can never see again? How have I taken my sight for granted?

I've had really uncomfortable gastrointestinal troubles that rendered me short of breath and nauseaus. It made me feel so ill within that I couldn't enjoy any food placed in front of me, nor actively participate in anything that was around me. I kept losing weight, to the extend that I can't meet anyone familiar without them telling me how thin I look. I feel helpless. My body doesn't have the capacity to take in the food it needs. I wonder if I was just wasting away?

I almost blacked out on a train once. I watched as everything around me dissolved into black shiny dots, and panicked when I felt diffculty in catching each breath. It was through sheer will power that I walked myself out of the train, cold and blinded, to where I think the nearest seat was. I rested till I felt better, and took the next train home. For the next few weeks I couldn't take the train without fearing a second attack.

I had panic attacks. Heart thumping, breathless, and plain blatant fear that each breath I caught was going to be my last. It's a plague on the mind, when everything around me seems hopeless and gone.

I have knee problems that killed my joy in running. I have chest pain that caused me much worries as to whether it a problem with the heart. What is going to happen to me?

Too many things have happened that made me realise what a blessing it is to be able to see, to breathe easily, to walk, run, exercise, without any health disturbances to limit the activities I can accomplish in life. The most important lesson I've learnt is to take good care of what I have been blessed with. Be thankful for them. Neglect and nonchalance can very well lead to regrets in later life.

I am trying to take care of myself the best way I know how, both mentally and physically. I needed to write this post to clear my internal thoughts, so here I am typing. I guess the main thing now is not to look back at the past but to think how and where I can go from there. It's never too late to start anew. I believe it's true.

Still in Love with Writing

Apart from occasional star appearances in my windows live space, I believe it's safe to say that I've disappeared from the blogging world for almost two years. The more I don't write, the rustier those writing genes in my brain becomes, and the more detached I am from the word bank in my head. I need it back, badly. It is an inherent part of me I've lost, and getting it back, perhaps, would bring me closer to getting me back.

I miss writing. It used to be an outlet for all the rantings I have about life. Somehow, things don't seem all too bad the moment I type them out on the screen and analyse them as words. Writing has always been my valuable aide to living. These past two years without it could only be summarised in one word: bad.

But I'm not going to rant about the past now. Let them be, and let me step forth from here. I need to be cleansed of the internal negativity that I've been too immersed in. I need to be able to enjoy the little things in life with greater stability within me. So, I'm going to change myself this very moment.

These are several things on my to do list:
1) I will blog again.
2) I will volunteer again.
3) I will release negative thoughts when they enter my head and replace them with good ones.
4) If I can't release them, I will blog them out like what I've done in the past, and see the bright side out of them.
5) I will look for solutions in every problem that arises. I will be part of the solution, and not part of the problem.
6) I will look at all the things that happened to me in a more positive light.
7) I choose to be happy.

I've started no. 1. Sure feels good to be back!