You and I

It's funny how the pain fades from time to time, and all I remember is your smile, your smell, and your embrace. I remember your laughter. I remember the sun shining on your face, and the way your hands have guided mine. It's strange how the mind selectively seeks the happier memories and pines for their return. I wish for the days when we were happier, days when all we wish was to be with each other; I wish for them so much that it hurts. I miss the familiarity of having you by my side, how you have always found me in a crowded train, in a crowded street and given me a sense of direction when I was lost. I miss having you to share my surroundings, how nowhere can become somewhere as long as you are there. I miss us ambling under sunny, rainy or starry skies. I miss our crazy bantering, our laughter, and most of all, I miss the lightness of heart that used to pervade our times together.

There are so many memories running through my mind. Beautiful memories of the times when you and I were treading the path as one, sharing dreams, looking forward to a common future, striving hard for a solid foundation upon which the both of us could safely settle. Yet there was also sadness prevailing in the undercurrents of our times together. Sadness that stems from our inability to trust and believe in each other during our difficult times. We shared our joy and laughter, but neglected to be each other's support during our down times. We have given each other our hearts, but haven't taken good care of it. Where we should have offered encouragement and support, we wavered; where we should have forgiven, we became embittered; where we should have repented and relented; we stubbornly defended our pride. Couplehood requires sharing both ups and downs. We failed miserably where it comes to the latter.

How did the bitterness come to overtake your senses? How did I become the embodiment of negativity for you? How did you come to forsake all the good I've ever done?
You, who have never really known me, and I, who could only say I've tried. How could we have deeply loved, and yet cast so much pain, upon each other?

I have loved you, and I still do. Despite it all, what kept me going back to you all those while was my belief in you. I have believed in your willingness to change, in your inherent goodness, in the beauty in your soul. That's why it hurts, it really hurts, to finally find out that you haven't at all believed in mine.

The days ahead seem dismal and incomplete. Travel brochures, christmas carols in the streets, everything, reminds me of our unfurnished plans. Is it the same for you? Why I do feel that you're probably enjoying your times without me now? What should I do... I really don't know.

I need the courage to move on from this hurt. I need to remember that life can get better. I have lived life happily before you came, and I can do it again. My heart is mine to protect.