You and I

It's funny how the pain fades from time to time, and all I remember is your smile, your smell, and your embrace. I remember your laughter. I remember the sun shining on your face, and the way your hands have guided mine. It's strange how the mind selectively seeks the happier memories and pines for their return. I wish for the days when we were happier, days when all we wish was to be with each other; I wish for them so much that it hurts. I miss the familiarity of having you by my side, how you have always found me in a crowded train, in a crowded street and given me a sense of direction when I was lost. I miss having you to share my surroundings, how nowhere can become somewhere as long as you are there. I miss us ambling under sunny, rainy or starry skies. I miss our crazy bantering, our laughter, and most of all, I miss the lightness of heart that used to pervade our times together.

There are so many memories running through my mind. Beautiful memories of the times when you and I were treading the path as one, sharing dreams, looking forward to a common future, striving hard for a solid foundation upon which the both of us could safely settle. Yet there was also sadness prevailing in the undercurrents of our times together. Sadness that stems from our inability to trust and believe in each other during our difficult times. We shared our joy and laughter, but neglected to be each other's support during our down times. We have given each other our hearts, but haven't taken good care of it. Where we should have offered encouragement and support, we wavered; where we should have forgiven, we became embittered; where we should have repented and relented; we stubbornly defended our pride. Couplehood requires sharing both ups and downs. We failed miserably where it comes to the latter.

How did the bitterness come to overtake your senses? How did I become the embodiment of negativity for you? How did you come to forsake all the good I've ever done?
You, who have never really known me, and I, who could only say I've tried. How could we have deeply loved, and yet cast so much pain, upon each other?

I have loved you, and I still do. Despite it all, what kept me going back to you all those while was my belief in you. I have believed in your willingness to change, in your inherent goodness, in the beauty in your soul. That's why it hurts, it really hurts, to finally find out that you haven't at all believed in mine.

The days ahead seem dismal and incomplete. Travel brochures, christmas carols in the streets, everything, reminds me of our unfurnished plans. Is it the same for you? Why I do feel that you're probably enjoying your times without me now? What should I do... I really don't know.

I need the courage to move on from this hurt. I need to remember that life can get better. I have lived life happily before you came, and I can do it again. My heart is mine to protect.

Clear skies ahead

What a pleasant surprise to return to this sanctuary and see comments from Miss Ruler herself! Thanks ruler :)

I feel better today than I have in a long long while. Stronger, perhaps, enlivened, and lightened. Not enlightened yet, though I hope that day will come.

I have to say that one week ago, if someone had thrusted a microphone into my face and asked me to rate life on a scale of 1, stygian, to 10, heavenly, I would have flung that offending black stick away from me and stuck it up his or her nose. I was kind of stressed out. To sum it up in a very apt description, just imagine me getting my toes tread in a very unceremonious manner. Not just that, wincing from the pain, I had to juggle ten bowling balls on my left hand, while contending with dissonant music grating on my ears.

Unsurprisingly, I was getting overly sensitized to all the trivalities that intersperse my days. I would have sued the first person who brushed past me for assault if there was such a law. Bestial. Definitely me. My conversations with people were littered with complaints that couldn't make me feel any better.

Just when I thought I was going to sink under the weight of all these crap, little phrases I used to read came creeping into my mind. "Circle of influence" is one of them. These three words were my buoy, keeping me afloat so I could see the clear sky above. "You idiot la, you can choose where to look, you know," it spoke to me in singlish. And it was true! A very wonderful book I couldn't finish reading once told me that I can choose who and what I want to affect me. I definitely will not have those toe-crushers in my circle of influence. Getting your toes crushed once is bad enough. Repetitive reminiscence of that terrible ordeal is just too harsh on the soul.

I struggled to push the mind into a state of revelation. There were tears, attributed mainly to my overactive tear glands and my overactive emotional cache. There were still complaints, though of a more cathartic nature, as I purged my inner frustrations till the calm in me was restored. The trick to surviving through it all was actually simple. Just grit your teeth and go through it. Don't attach any negative emotions to the adversities . Most of time, what lingers longer in our minds are the negative emotions we attach to a particular event, more so than the actual event itself.

I knew I triumped, when I managed to face sarcasm and criticism with serenity. Kudos to those people who have helped lessen the severity of the situation by helping me morph it into a joke. I felt released, that I managed to smile at the person who had been shooting daggers at others while pointing a gun at me. It was like saying "Shoot me! I'm innocent!" to her in the face, while I have fun watching her face contort in confusion. Ah. Life is good.

Even if the skies are overcast, even if it rains, try remembering that a clear blue sky, or clear midnight sky littered with stars, lies above the clouds. You can't decide what happens to you. But you can decide to be the hero, or the victim, of your story.